Alright I really dunno where I am going with this but im going with the flow. I feel like I should get stuff off my chest I guess, just a feeling I have.

  Alright for the ppl that really know the 'real' me know I'm a *hopless romantic* when it comes 2 "boys" but, I could never find the right one for 'me'. I was nicknamed 'The Love Doctor' bc I could help everyone out with their "relationship problems" but it has never made sense to me, how it always seemed that I knew what love was and how to achieved that happiness but I wasn't happy in my love life. And, every time I did like a guy, he never liked me back or he was just wasn't the right one. There was always sum flask and to come to think of it, maybe the reason I was like that was bc I knew what was good and what was bad for me in a guy and trying to find one that was 'right' for me was hard bc I knew one little flask in them would turn them away from me bc I couldn't deal with it, knowing there was better out there for me. But, it got to the point where I was desparte. I mean, alot of my friends had gf/bf & when I did like to listen to them talk to them it sumtimes made me feel lonely and like I was never gonna find sumone. so, peer pressure did take a toll. I do admit, there were sum guys that did like me but I didn't like them or I liked sumone else (that was a bigg mistake on my part) But, when it came to the guys that I liked who would never go out with me...omgosh was I ever a dummy. I mean, I was taking sumthing outta my butt and making it into nothing. I could name several but I'll save myself the embrassment but im sure my friends can name quite a few haha but, that is alright. I mean, I guess everyone did that right? At least once..I just feel like I did that alot. And, I know I mean I KNOW haha I was a flirt & I liked alot of guys and I always changed like week to week but we never hooked-up so u see where the self-esteem problem comes into the picture? and, ppl are always like u are so pretty I cant believe u dont have 10 bfs and its like yeah riight u ppl are insane. and, high school comes around. A totally diff. experience. Though I still had the same problem. Freshmen year, I was 'dating' sumone but that didnt work out, and that was when I had my whole year crush on a senior HAHA though, that was prolly one of the stupidest things I have ever done to myself I wouldnt change it bc I had fun with it and I learned alot from it also. By then, I started to figure out what I really wanted in a guy. and, u know guys came and went freshmen year and u know, sophomore year rolls around *dear goodness* and, okay I shouldnt regret anything that happened in the past since I wouldnt be where I am 2day but there are just certain things that I do wish I knew now I knew then. Like, okay I went out with Brett (rolls eyes) for 3 months and 15 days lol and, yeah lets just say ill never do that one again but isnt like almost 1st time relationship a bad experience? You learn what to do and what not to do and what u really want in a relationship. I found that trust, honesty, and communcation is 3 bigg must. So, u know I should have gotten out of that real fast but i didnt. I liked the feeling of security. But, the last month things just blew-up into flames. It was just too much...I mean he was a pothead and it got choosen over me, I knew it was going to espically since I was against it. And, he just did stuff and its like he had the nerve to do that? and, so we had this like i dunno 2 or 3 hours talk about it and he was breaking up with me and i didnt want him too though i dunno why but prolly bc i wanted to break up with him. and, his reasons were so pathelic and its like it all comes down to this and I wasted my time on his lameo excuses..only went out with me to get to know my butthole haha and, he felt when he talked to me he was talking to a little kid bc his vocab was better (omGAWD) and he felt he was too old for me just bc he was 18 and i was 15...but, u know i wasnt really in love with him, I was just in a relationship for the first time and there was no way I could tell him I loved him in that short of time bc i really didnt know what love was to me. and, I suppose u think i went to school and bawled my eyes out everytime I saw him and i couldnt make it but with the help of sarah and denise that didnt happen. I went to school the next day all dressed-up with a smile on my face not a fake one either, it was a real one. I will never forget when I walked into the lunch room laughing and smiling and he looks at me and his mouth drops open, it was awesome. and, he came and went though I will never be his friend again bc i heard alot of fed up shit he did after we broke-up and that is not cool went to a stril club the week after, done acid, drank beer, and had a gun so i wasnt very happy and he still had the nerve to try to talk to me though it did tickle my pickle a bit it ticked me off even more even if he wanted to be friends there was no way in heck i was going to be though it is stupid to be like that, but we were never friends in the first place. Why be sumthing we never were? seriously. So, I learned alot of lessons from that one too many to list right now though one was it's better to be good or just even friends be4e going-out. so, yeah there was this other guy, though i really never have figured out what we were really were or anything it was just crazy but another gurl beat me to him but oh well, not that bigg of deal to me anymore. and, then *dododo* came the mistake of all mistakes lol Alright everyone knows I went out with Jake, and hes not a bad guy or anything but we really shouldnt have ever went out lol I mean, what I did with him was nothing like me. I dunno what I was thinking, I guess it was just flattering to have sumone into me & a mistake that i must learn from & me just being a kid. And, im sure pretty much everyone knows what happened...though u wouldnt expected it I did. I hated myself forever about it I mean I really did hate myself and I hurt alot of my friends bc I kept it from them bc I was so ashamed. My life was horrible for a long while and then I just say good-bye to guys. I was through with them...I mean, Jake still wanted to hook-up and Corey (of all ppl) tried to get us hooked-up again and I guess we were going to or were and I kinda messed that one up (that was my fault) and, though i broke-up with him for a stupid reason I learned a lesson. But, I really didnt like anybody and I was done. And, yeah I received a letter from Corey I dunno how long after Jake and I broke-up but I did. It was a bit odd...bc I mean, it was Corey I only really started to talk to him bc of him and lyndsie and me and jake. And, we had a nice little okay nice bigg long talk at one of jake's soccer games but I didnt know anything tha he was thinking. The letter was just a normal letter, like we were just friends writing back and froth but then I got to the end "..so do u like anybody? smile face :) haha if so, you should tell me" and I just ingored it thinking he was just being nice. and I told him no. and, then I started to hang-out with Joe, Troy, & Brian all the time bc I didnt have to worry about guys and I basically did what I wanted. So, that was how it was in til' the summer. I had a job @ the blan pool & u know, that is where I hang-out during the summer. And, usually I find sumone that is "eye candy" lol At first, I was just a bigg flirt ya know pimpin it up with kacy-ne haha & i wasnt really looking for a relationship just going with the flow. Kacy and I were straight up P-I-M-P-S haha. I still talked to Jake and everything...when I got my licenses I went and picked him up we were homies. I talked to about everyone and made alot of new guy friends mostly from the sophomore and frosh groups and yea, i thought alot of them were hott haha but I didnt like any of them. but, of course, the unexpected happens of course in my life why didnt i see it. And, of course the unexpected person was Corey McClanahan. Alright, you know, how there are certain boys or gurls that u talk to and know but it never crosses ur mind abuot liking them bc u feel that, they're too good for you and they're not ur type? That's how I felt about Corey. I mean, I knew who he is but it always seemed like he was going out with sumone and I never talked to him so u know, there was no way for us. But, then him and Lyndsie started talking and that's how it all started I guess. I mean, yeah I thought he was one of the hottest sophomore er well he was a freshmen then whatever but, I dare didn't say anything lol And, after that, we started talking more and we just sorta clicked. It was weird but there's just them certain ppl you automatically click with and I made Corey one of my good guy friends. After Lyndsie and him broke-up we didnt talk and he tried to hook me up with Jake again and that was just odd. Jake & Lyndsie both tried to tell me I liked Corey but I told them they were nuts bc i wouldnt like him and all he was, was a good friend but I guess they were right haha. I mean, hello! Any normal person would feel the same way, he was Jake's best friend and Lyndsie was one of my best friends and I just didn't think he would ever like me so there was no way. So back to the summer. At first, he didn't come up there, like I guess secertly in the back of my mind i was like please please please bc i knew he went up there. And, he started to come up there eventually and we talked. You know nothing bigg bc I was talking to everyone flirting it up bc I was flying solo for the summer. I can pick out alot of days that when he was there I was always around or if I was there he was sumwhere around. We were just like together but not together. He def. was a show-off lol and, I guess he always flirted with me esp. when I was life-guarding but I let it slide bc u know, there was no way in heck he would like me. And, then I wil never forget the day when I went to pick up Jake and we pulled in and Corey was playing basketball and I was getting sumthing out of my car and Jake had already left and I went to open my door and Corey was right there and I was like HELLO! but, I knew right then, that I did like him and I remember after that he made me go play basketball with him. And, after that, I realized that I was gonna have to start admitting that I liked Corey even if he didn't like me. And, I mean looking back on it, I dunno how I could have been so blind to the fact that he liked me more than I thought. One day, I walked out to my car and him and tanner were playing basketball and Corey kept going if I make this basket April's gonna go out with me and im just like yeah sure whatever. It was flattering but I thought he was just doing it to be doing it. and, the day, I told Mary. She wasn't all that surprised I don't think anyone was. They all knew it just waitied for me to admit it. but, I still didnt think he liked me. And, the day came when we finally both admitted it and him, joe and i were standing at the counter talking and Maria pulls him to the side and she asked him if he would go out with Ashley Wood but he said no and he came back and told me and im like why did u say no? and hes like bc im about to ask sumbody else out and im like who? and he wouldnt tell me then he said shes from a diff. school and im like oh? and im thinking well, that sucks i guess its not me and my chances just went down the drain LoL then hes like come play basketball with me and im like no and hes like come on and im like alright. so, we did but then we went down to the 4 foot with our boggie-boards and we just talked and played with Zane and here comes Carly to break the ice and shes like i gotta ask u sumthing and i knew what it was and so i put the boggie-board up and Coreys having a cow like i dont like secerts and thats not fair and im mad now and im cracking up and she askes me and im like maybe and shes like u do dont you? and im like yeah and shes like awe when u guys going to go out? and im like uh and then he was whining and hes like tell me and I went to play with Zane and I was like Carly u can tell him and shes like really? and im like yeah and i heard her say i asked her if she liked u and hes like and she said? and she said yes and hes like nu-uh i liked her forever and hes like awe april and im like what? it was really funny.

    And, i really dunno why I just told that story bc I wasnt trying to do that oh well. But, Corey did start off like all the other guys bc I didnt know everything about him and during the summer we hardly ever saw each other it was pretty bad & it was like this isnt gonna last long either. but, then we talked about it and he told me he liked for awhile and he told me all this stuff and im like just like there is no way? and things just came 2gether. I mean from what I knew of him he had alot of qualities that I wanted in a guy. Hazel eyes, brown hair, tan, really tall, muscles, played football/basketball/baseball. Yeah it was great. But, I didn't want to get high hopes.

   But, you always hear how when u find the one for you u just know. Well, thats how I felt about Corey. Though i wasnt in love with him or anything yet I just felt like I could be with him forever. And, for being sumone who felt like they were never gonna find sumone its nice for a change. And, though sumtimes I fear im going to lose him i think back on that hes not bc he feels the same way about me that I do him. Like, I know sum ppl feel that there is noone out there for them but love always comes when u least expected it and at the weirdest times. Don't look for love, let it find you. Finding Corey def. was beyond my control. I just finally stopped trying so hard & when a guy would come around he would and he did and it happened unexpectly but it was a blessing. Now, it's still hard to take in...I still can't get over it. And, I just never cared about sumbody so much and so scared of losing them but at the same time I am just the happiest gurl. I'm so thankful that I finally found my 'angel'.

                   ~april~